Good jokes and general fun.

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo at
Wal-Mart. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but
stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short
skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in
barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?" I
thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

Happy Independence Day to all my fellow Americans!
 
Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to

find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure

enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."



He called the

number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an

hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of

his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a

mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to

do.?" the homeowner asked. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the

roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof

with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull

is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then

be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the

van."He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun

for?" the homeowner asked. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, you

shoot the dog.":cheers:
 
BleuBijou said:
A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to

find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure

enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."



He called the

number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an

hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of

his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a

mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to

do.?" the homeowner asked. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the

roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof

with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull

is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then

be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the

van."He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun

for?" the homeowner asked. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, you

shoot the dog.":cheers:
Click to expand...

LM"BUTT" O.....Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.:cheers:
 
I am in the same boat OP!! Glad I could help!!!:cheers:
 
A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'
So then he went off to do some fencing.
After a while, the insemination man arrives... and knocks on the front door.
The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be inseminated?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
 
onpoint said:
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo at
Wal-Mart. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but
stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short
skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in
barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?" I
thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

Happy Independence Day to all my fellow Americans!
Click to expand...

Lmao! Thats a good one right there.
 
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floore...d it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
 
Politically Incorrect

POLITICALLY INCORRECT


I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear

of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've

not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'



A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about

the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.




Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting

8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!


A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man

passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this

morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call

Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the

last thing on my mind at the moment.'



Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic

shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman

with her mouth closed.



I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last

question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have

the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they

wanted the name of a country?


Remember this is Humor!!!:cheers:
 
ok Bleu since we are now doing tasteless jokes,,,,,,,,

Michael Jackson's body had so much plastic in it from all the surgeries over the years that they were able to make a case of Lego's from it. The thinking was that now kid's could play with him for a change.
 
carptom1 said:
ok Bleu since we are now doing tasteless jokes,,,,,,,,

Michael Jackson's body had so much plastic in it from all the surgeries over the years that they were able to make a case of Lego's from it. The thinking was that now kid's could play with him for a change.
Click to expand...

I am running out of material Carptom!!!! Oh, can I use this one????:cheers:
 
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
 
An irish blonde in a casino

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO



An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.



She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.



The dealers stood there and stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching!?"

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men... are men.!
 
A dimwitted scottish bagpipe player moved into rural Iowa. Having a checkered past, he offered his services to the local pastor as a way of making amends for his past deeds. Not having much money, he figured he could play his music at funerals and gatherings. As time went by he waited and waited for the opportunity. Finally the pastor called, there was an old homeless guy that had died and had no family or friends. Perfect! I will be there. He asked for directions as he wasn't familiar with the area. He drove and drove with no luck. Finally he came upon several men with shovels around a hole in the ground. This must be it, he thought. He gathered his pipes and made his way up the hill to where the men were standing. He was dissapointed as the concrete vault was already in the ground. He started playing amazing grace deep from his heart. As the music cleansed him of all of his past sins, he began to cry. The men laid down their shovels and joined hands as they sang the words with his tune. Soon several of the men began to cry also. After he was done playing, he packed his pipes and headed down the hill. After he was gone the new kid on the crew turned to the older one and asked " man, are all the septic installs like this one?"
 
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Your house
 
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ?No, I?d like to see something a little more special.?
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ?Here?s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady?s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ?We?ll take it.?
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ?By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I?ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I?ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.?
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ?There?s no money in that account.?
?I know,? said the old man, ?But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!?

See??.Not All Seniors Are Senile
 
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says... "I would take half, then leave you."

"Excellent", he replies..."I won $12. Here's $6...

Now get the hell out."
 
While shopping at the local grocery store a lady stumbled into a grandpa with his 3 year old grandson. The child was screaming and pitching a fit beyond words. "Now William relax. We've only got two more isles to go down." On the next isle the lady saw the same gentleman and child. The child's screaming had only gotten worse. "Now William it's OK we'll be out of here in a few minutes. Settle down. Settle down." As the lady was checking out the man and child pulled in behind her. By now the child was trying desperately to get out of the cart and was throwing anything he could get his hands on. "Easy William. Easy boy. We're almost done." While putting away her things in the car the woman noticed the man and child were parked right next to her. She couldn't help but say something to the man. "I'm amazed at how calm you have been and how good you handled that entire situation in there. You are to be commended. Little William is lucky to have a grandparent as loving and understanding as you."
With a puzzled look on his face he replied, "No my name is William. This little brat's name is Kevin!"
 
The Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he?s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, ...then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he?s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
?Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He?s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don?t resist, don?t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he?ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!?

She responds: ?He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he?s gay, thinks you?re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.?See More
 
Is Sex Work???

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .

A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
 
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