FCSpringer
Moderator
Move the deer crossing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8&sns=fb
What a nut. She must be from WI.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8&sns=fb
What a nut. She must be from WI.
Good jokes and general fun.
- Thread starter FCSpringer
- Start date
BleuBijou
Active member
Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the
garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a
bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So
Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back
in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make
$40,000 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are doing
basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...
'Try doing it with the engine running'
:cheers:
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the
garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a
bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So
Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back
in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make
$40,000 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are doing
basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...
'Try doing it with the engine running'
:cheers:
BleuBijou
Active member
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. "Walter", responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions:
First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?
Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions.
First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, What happened to Walter?"
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. "Walter", responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions:
First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?
Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions.
First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, What happened to Walter?"
Papa Bruder
New member
cashiers dumb answer
this thread reminded me of this picture sent me by a shooting budy. Said it was in a Walmart in Alabama.
View attachment 3809
this thread reminded me of this picture sent me by a shooting budy. Said it was in a Walmart in Alabama.
View attachment 3809
BleuBijou
Active member
After the Honeymoon
After the Honeymoon
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!":cheers::cheers:
After the Honeymoon
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!":cheers::cheers:
BleuBijou
Active member
Crystal Ball
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
BleuBijou
Active member
The Conversation
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God?"
as he smiled smugly. ...
"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic…but let me ask you
a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss why there is no God when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.:cheers:
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God?"
as he smiled smugly. ...
"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic…but let me ask you
a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss why there is no God when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.:cheers:
blackcloud27
New member
every morning at work we have to do stretchs. manager turns on the tv and dvd and we follow the video. scary sight watching a room full of 50 year old men stretching. well today i took black tape and put it over the eye of the remote and trimmed it so you couldnt see it. she was going nuts trying to turn on tv.!!!!! i saved my ass by going up to her and taking off the tape. i told her i was trying to prank someone else and not her. she fell for it. my motto is life is too short to take serious and if my life ever flashs before my eyes i want it to be a comedy show:cheers:
SDJIM
New member
"Survivor - Dakota Style"
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, South Dakota is
planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - South Dakota-Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Spearfish, drive to Buffalo,
over to Mobridge, down to Gettysburg, over to
Redfield, then to Britton, Sisseton, Milbank. They will than go to
Madison, Wessington Springs, Winner, Murdo,
Phillip, Sturgis. Finally back to Spearfish.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers
which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Liberals Rock"
3. "The Speed Limit Should Be 55"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. "Lawrence Welk Sucks"
7. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
8. "Vote Quentin Tarantino for South Dakota Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Dakota Born"
10. "I Love Obama Care and Hillary"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's Bush's Fault"
14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion
and the last sticker is…;
15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your "Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Spearfish alive wins.
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, South Dakota is
planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - South Dakota-Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Spearfish, drive to Buffalo,
over to Mobridge, down to Gettysburg, over to
Redfield, then to Britton, Sisseton, Milbank. They will than go to
Madison, Wessington Springs, Winner, Murdo,
Phillip, Sturgis. Finally back to Spearfish.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers
which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Liberals Rock"
3. "The Speed Limit Should Be 55"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. "Lawrence Welk Sucks"
7. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
8. "Vote Quentin Tarantino for South Dakota Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Dakota Born"
10. "I Love Obama Care and Hillary"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's Bush's Fault"
14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion
and the last sticker is…;
15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your "Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Spearfish alive wins.
blackcloud27
New member
great one sounds like coots car
FCSpringer
Moderator
LOL, OK fellas try to keep the race and political jokes to nill please. I like good humor as much as the next, but we need to keep it above water, or yes even a jokes thread can get locked. I have not read all these yet, not sure I should LOL. But please just a reminder to not get carried away.
:cheers:
:cheers:
FCSpringer
Moderator
PS no f bombs either.
student cowboy
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester
he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman...
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester
he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman...
SDJIM
New member
Blind Cashier
A woman went into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She didn't know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and went
over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She said to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway......
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."
She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opened her purse, her credit
card dropped on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.
When she bent down to pick it up she accidentally passed gas.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realized......there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around!
The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman was totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
Replying as only a gentleman could under such a circumstance he replied,
"Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and
the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
A woman went into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She didn't know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and went
over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She said to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway......
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."
She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opened her purse, her credit
card dropped on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.
When she bent down to pick it up she accidentally passed gas.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realized......there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around!
The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman was totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
Replying as only a gentleman could under such a circumstance he replied,
"Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and
the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
goldenboy
Well-known member
Some old, some new funny
And that's how the fight started......
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he
didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still
haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What’s on the
TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'
And that's how the fight started......
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted
for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she
said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
And that's how the fight started......
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he
didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still
haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What’s on the
TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'
And that's how the fight started......
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted
for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she
said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....