Good jokes and general fun.
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- Start date
SDJIM
New member
WalMart joke
The guy was at a WalMart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for his loyal pet,Jake, the wonder dog and was in the check-out line when a woman came up behind him and asked if he had a dog. Did she think he had an elephant?
Because he was a retired and retired guys are pretty sharp, on an impulse he told her that no, he didn't have a dog. He was starting the Purnia diet again. He went on to say that he probably shouldn't start the diet gain because the last time he ended up in the hospital,but that he did lose 50 LBS. However, he found himself in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out everywhere and IV's in both arms.
He went on to tell her that it was essentially the perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purnia Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food was nutritionally complete as it works well and he was going to try it agian. By now everyone in line was enthralled by his story.
The lady asked if he ended up in intensvie care because the dog food poisoned him. He told her, no. He stopped to urinate on the fire hydrant and a car hit him. The bystanders erupted in laughter.
WalMart won't let him shop there anymore. Better watch what you say to us retired folk. We have all the time in the world to think of carzy things to say.
The guy was at a WalMart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for his loyal pet,Jake, the wonder dog and was in the check-out line when a woman came up behind him and asked if he had a dog. Did she think he had an elephant?
Because he was a retired and retired guys are pretty sharp, on an impulse he told her that no, he didn't have a dog. He was starting the Purnia diet again. He went on to say that he probably shouldn't start the diet gain because the last time he ended up in the hospital,but that he did lose 50 LBS. However, he found himself in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out everywhere and IV's in both arms.
He went on to tell her that it was essentially the perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purnia Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food was nutritionally complete as it works well and he was going to try it agian. By now everyone in line was enthralled by his story.
The lady asked if he ended up in intensvie care because the dog food poisoned him. He told her, no. He stopped to urinate on the fire hydrant and a car hit him. The bystanders erupted in laughter.
WalMart won't let him shop there anymore. Better watch what you say to us retired folk. We have all the time in the world to think of carzy things to say.
Last edited:
BleuBijou
Active member
St. Patty's Day is Coming
The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin' , said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
***********************************************
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..
***********************************************
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
***********************************************
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
***********************************************
(And saving the best for last...)
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.":cheers::cheers:
The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin' , said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
***********************************************
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..
***********************************************
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
***********************************************
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
***********************************************
(And saving the best for last...)
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.":cheers::cheers:
fsentkilr
Active member
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story
BleuBijou
Active member
Two Wisconsin men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost inaudible, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ?I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.?
Craig continues slowly sipping his beer - then thoughtfully says,
?You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.?
BleuBijou
Active member
RESURRECTION - - A PREACHER - - - AND A LITTLE BOY
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew
what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time,
asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection and if it
lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew
what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time,
asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection and if it
lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
Bleu,
Your ass better be Irish or I'm sending the IRA to your area.
:thumbsup::10sign:
BritChaser
Well-known member
An angry fella bursts into a bar waving a six-gun, yelling "I wanna know who's been screwing my wife!" A wag in back replies "You'll need more ammunition."
BleuBijou
Active member
Home Schooled
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
carptom1
Well-known member
A catholic priest was in a long session of confession on a saturday afternoon and had to go to the bathroom real bad. He looks out the back door and sees the janitor sweeping the floor.
Priest: Hey stand in for me a second while I run and go to the bathroom a second he tells the janitor.
Janitor: Who Me? I can't hear confession.
Priest: It's ok. The sins are easy today. Just tell them to say a couple hail mary's and don't repeat the sin.
Young boy in confessional: Bless me father I stole candy from my brother.
Janitor: That's ok my son say a couple hail mary's and don't do it again.
( the next few are easy and the janitor is relaxing a bit)
Young woman: Bless me father I have sinned. I had oral sex with someone other than my husband.
Janitor: My daughter hold on just a second
( The janitor is flustered now and is uncomfortable with this and looks out the back door to see if the priest is coming. In the hallway he sees an alter boy and ushers him over)
Janitor: Hey what does father give for oral sex
Alter boy: Two snickers bars and a coke
Priest: Hey stand in for me a second while I run and go to the bathroom a second he tells the janitor.
Janitor: Who Me? I can't hear confession.
Priest: It's ok. The sins are easy today. Just tell them to say a couple hail mary's and don't repeat the sin.
Young boy in confessional: Bless me father I stole candy from my brother.
Janitor: That's ok my son say a couple hail mary's and don't do it again.
( the next few are easy and the janitor is relaxing a bit)
Young woman: Bless me father I have sinned. I had oral sex with someone other than my husband.
Janitor: My daughter hold on just a second
( The janitor is flustered now and is uncomfortable with this and looks out the back door to see if the priest is coming. In the hallway he sees an alter boy and ushers him over)
Janitor: Hey what does father give for oral sex
Alter boy: Two snickers bars and a coke
carptom1
Well-known member
Carp, you better hope the Coot doesn't read that one!!!! I however, found the humor in it!!!!:thumbsup:
Yea it might bring up some bad memories
Sure would explain a bunch though
BleuBijou
Active member
Cooter & Gomer
This was too good to pass up!!!!!
Cooter & Gomer:
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two ass-holes.'
'What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two ass-holes.'
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed by the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants.
No matter what, That made you chuckle!!!!:cheers::cheers::cheers
This was too good to pass up!!!!!
Cooter & Gomer:
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two ass-holes.'
'What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two ass-holes.'
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed by the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants.
No matter what, That made you chuckle!!!!:cheers::cheers::cheers