Good jokes and general fun.

Good Grammer

On his 74th birthday Reg got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was
Rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and
Then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.:cheers:
 
HOT COFFEE







Gotta love those grand-kids ..



I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,


What day is tomorrow?"



Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" ..



She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" ..



I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.



She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the



White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit."



You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose
 
Bob and the Blond

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 p.m. news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.





The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"





Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."





The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."





Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"





Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."





Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news and so I knew he would jump."





The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."





Bob took the money ...
 
Husband wanted

A lonely widow, age 76, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED !
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?':D:D:cheers:
 
Irish mirror

IRISH MIRROR


After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

"How 'bout that!" he exclaims, "Here's a picture of me Fadder."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with." :D:D
 
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.





"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."



Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.



"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."



The devil led him to the door of the next room.



In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.



"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.



The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.



Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)







"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, ?Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.? ?Nice children you have there. Are they twins??

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ?Hell no, they ain?t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they?re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid??
So I replied, ?I?m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn?t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.?

My supervisor said I probably wasn?t cut out for this line of work.
 
Sven & ole

Sven and Ole, Two Minnesota engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walks by asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find DA height of dis flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then
She took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced,"Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer DA height and she gives us DA length!

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.


GOOD ONES GUY"S!! Alway's good to laugh a bit!!!:cheers:
 
Tender Departure...

A cautionary tale...



>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
>his
>side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
>roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move
>slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered.
>
>"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent "Becky," he
>said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." There's
>nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right,
>go to
>sleep."
>
>"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
>best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
>
>I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."


:D
 
can you imagine this unfolding. WOW:laugh::laugh:

LIBERTY, Mo., Oct. 14 (UPI) -- Authorities in Missouri said a man erred when he attempted to extinguish his garbage fire by driving over it with a van full of live ammunition.

The Clay County Sheriff's Office said in a Facebook post a deputy investigating smoke in a field south of Liberty discovered a van "fully engulfed in flames."

The deputy summoned firefighters, but the responders moved to a safe distance when they discovered ammunition inside the vehicle was discharging.
The van's owner, who was found watching the blaze from a distance, told the deputy he had been burning garbage in the field and decided to try to put the flames out with his van when the fire grew out of control.

The owner said the tires of the van caught fire and he retreated to a safe distance because his van was loaded with firearms ammunition.

Firefighters were eventually able to extinguish the fire.

Sheriff's spokesman Jon Bazzano said the owner was not immediately cited and he declined to file a report for a possible insurance claim.
 
david0311

BrownDogsCan2 said:
can you imagine this unfolding. WOW:laugh::laugh:

LIBERTY, Mo., Oct. 14 (UPI) -- Authorities in Missouri said a man erred when he attempted to extinguish his garbage fire by driving over it with a van full of live ammunition.

The Clay County Sheriff's Office said in a Facebook post a deputy investigating smoke in a field south of Liberty discovered a van "fully engulfed in flames."

The deputy summoned firefighters, but the responders moved to a safe distance when they discovered ammunition inside the vehicle was discharging.
The van's owner, who was found watching the blaze from a distance, told the deputy he had been burning garbage in the field and decided to try to put the flames out with his van when the fire grew out of control.

The owner said the tires of the van caught fire and he retreated to a safe distance because his van was loaded with firearms ammunition.

Firefighters were eventually able to extinguish the fire.

Sheriff's spokesman Jon Bazzano said the owner was not immediately cited and he declined to file a report for a possible insurance claim.
Click to expand...

:eek::eek: Life is hard--it's even harder when your stupid--:D

John Wayne--
 
An Amish couple was standing in the kitchen one morning when the wife says to her husband

"You need to look at the toilet its broken and needs to be fixed"

The husband said, "There's nothing wrong with the toilet."

The wife said, "I'm not going to make breakfast until you go look at it."

So he goes to the out house swings the door open and looks inside. He yells back up to the house, "I don't see any problems with the toilet!"

His wife yells back, "Look in the hole!"

So, he looks in the hole and yells up to the house, "I don't see anything wrong with the toilet!"

His wife yells back, "No, you have take your hat off and stick your head in the hole!"

He yelled back, "I'm not sticking my head in the hole!"

She yelled back, "I'm not making breakfast!"

Reluctantly he takes off his hat and sticks his head in the hole. He doesn't see any problems with the toilet. When he tries to pull his head out to tell his wife his beard gets stuck in the cracks of the toilet seat. He screams in pain,

"Martha come quick! My beard got stuck in the cracks of the seat!"

His wife yells down to him, "Hurts don't it!"
 
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A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, this duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin license, boy??

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, This ain't no Kentucky duck. This ducks from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license??, boy!?

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, this ain't no Tennessee duck. This here ducks from Virginia. You got a Virginia. huntin license??, boy!?

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly. Just where the hell are you from!?

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, you tell me, youre the expert!!?
 
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A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall. They got separated and after looking for her husband, the wife, somewhat exasperated, called him.

"Where the hell are you?" she demanded when he answered. "Well, you remember about ten years ago when we were here at that jewelry store and I wanted to get you that ring because I couldn't afford an engagement ring before we got married, but then we were still too poor and we didn't get that ring either?"

Heart now melting over the prospect of a new ring, his wife replied, "Oh, yes, darling I certainly do remember that jewelry store. Is that where you are?"

"Nope," he replied. "I'm at the gun shop next door to it." ;)
 
True Story From Louisiana

About 35 years ago my grandfather ran into old Horace Ardoin coming out of the woods with a chicken hawk slung over his shoulder. The ensuing exchange by these too old guys went like this:

"Horace, what in the world are you going to do with that thing?!?"

"Dis hawk? I tink I'm gonna make me dat stew, me. Or maybe a sauce piquant."

"YOU'RE GOING TO EAT IT!?!"

"Well, yah!"

Bewildered my grandpa asked, "Well what exactly does chicken hawk taste like?"

Horace stood there thoughtfully for a minute and then said...

"Oh, bout like owl."
 
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