Good jokes and general fun.

A Ventriloquist cowboy comes up on a Indian and his dog , horse and sheep.
He asked the Indian if he could talk to his animals.
Indian say animals no talk.
Cowboy says sure they do and ask the dog what they do.
Dog says my owner takes me out and we run and play.
Cowboy goes to the horse and ask same question and horse says my owner and I ride
all over the place.
Cowboy next goes to the sheep and before he could say anything Indian says sheep lie..
 
Old Blind Cowbay Walks Into a Bar....

An old blind cowboy walks into an unfamiliar bar. The old cowboy finds his way to a barstool at the bar and says "Hey Bartender, want to hear a Blonde Joke"....
Well the gal next to him says...Look old cowboy, I see you are blind so I figure you are not aware what you have walked into here...this is an all female bar so I am gonna give you a break here and not just knock you off that of stool. You see I am 6', 200 lbs, body builder and I am blonde, the gal standing right behind you is a professional MMA fighter and she is blonde, the gal sitting on the other side of you is our bouncer 190lbs of No Mercy and she is blonde...the gal behind the bar maybe small but she keeps a mighty big bat behind the bar there...and yes you guessed it she is also blonde.....So Mr Cowboy, you sure you want to go ahead tell that blonde joke of yours.
The Old Cowboy say's "NOPE, NOT IF I GOTTA EXPLAIN IT 4 TIMES I DON'T"
 
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Blonde in the Bayou

A young blonde woman was driving through Southern Louisiana while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist dep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightening reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying bell up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she sreams in frustration, "OH GREAT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!" :D
 
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This thread is great. Even my wife checks it out for a laugh or 2. She loved that blond joke ......Bob
 
My Wife and I just got a big laugh at the blond and the gators.:10sign:
 
Old age

Ralph and Woody, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ralph didn't show up. Woody didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Ralph hadn't shown up for a week or so, Woody really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Woody didn't know where Ralph lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Woody figured he had seen the last of Ralph, but one day, Woody approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Ralph! Woody was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Ralph, what in the world happened to you?'

Ralph replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Woody. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Ralph said, 'you know Tina, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Woody, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury
 
Afirefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
Two rednecks are sitting at a bar drinking beer.

One said to the other, " You know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day".

The other one responds, " oh crap, I just joined the Knights of Columbus.":D
 
This was one my buddy came up with when he saw the thread about finding a Bigfoot a job because of them losing their habitat...

Where does bigfoot look for a job?


At monster.com!:D

I know its a groaner.
 
Getting Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
Paddy was pouring them down at the local tavern when the bartender cut him off. "Go home, Paddy; yer drunk & I’ll be givin’ ye no more whiskey this night.” Paddy argued in vain that he wasn’t drunk, but finally gave-up, got off his bar stool, took a step & fell flat on his face.
“Lordy but I AM drunk,” he exclaimed. He crawled to the door and grabbed the handle to pull himself up. As he stepped through the doorway, Paddy fell flat on his face again. “Sweet Mither I’m loaded; I’ll crawl home.” And he did just that, as he lived but a few doors down the street.
After he crawled-up the steps & pulled himself to his feet, as he stepped into the house he fell once more. His bride rushed out & said “Paddy yer drunk again, you lout . . . and after ye promised me ye’d quit!” “I’m not drunk,” said Paddy. “Yes ye are . . . Jake called me from the bar,” said Colleen. “Why that spalpeen Jake . . . why did he tell you I was drunk?”

“He didn’t, Paddy. He called to let me know ye forgot yer wheelchair again.”
 
The farmer was working on his tractor when a big, black Ford pulled into the yard. Two official-looking guys in suits got out & approached him. “We’re federal agents & we’re here to search your property. Do you have a problem with that?”

“Nope” said the farmer. “Just don’t go in that pasture over there.”

Indignant, one of the agents whipped-out his badge, shoved it in the old farmer’s face and shouted, “Maybe you didn’t hear me, you rube . . . we’re federal agents from WASHINGTON, DC and we’ll damn well go wherever we want, and whenever we want! Got it?”

“Reckon so,” said the old man as he wiped grease off his hands.

Shortly thereafter, the farmer heard screams coming from the pasture. He rushed over there and saw the mouthy agent running for his life from the farmer’s prize bull & the bull was gaining.

The farmer quickly cupped his hands around his mouth and hollered “Show him your badge, young fella, show him your badge!”
 
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. He is checking in at the pearly gates and St. Peter cannot find his name on the list and despite the protests the engineer is sent to hell.

After a few weeks in hell he makes an appointment to see Satan to complain about the conditions. Satan doesn't typically take appointments with his subjects but he has never had an engineer and is intrigued. The engineer reads off a list of issues: no indoor plumbing, the trash isn't picked up, no electricity, etc. He also states that the facilities superintend should be fired. Well... Satan is not used to being talked to in a such a manner and tells the engineer he doesn't know what a facilities superintendent is but informs the engineer he is now it and doesn't want to hear back from him until things start getting straightened out. As the engineer leaves his office, Satan tells him where the demon labor pool shop is.

About 2 months later, Satan and God are having a meeting to discuss the operation of heaven and hell and God is curious why the complaints have come to a halt. Satan tells him he's getting the garbage picked up, a new hydro dam on the River Styx, the street lights are working, sanitary sewer up and running, and things are turning around. God is perplexed and asks Satan when do this start? Satan replies that the engineer he got a few months is really getting things done and in a few months it will be better than Heaven. God is a little angry and tells Satan that he doesn't get the engineers and his engineer must be returned. Satan informs his that isn't going to happen and God in a fit of rage tells him he will sue his ass off. Satan laughs and responds...

wait for it




wait for it


"Where in Heaven are you going to find a lawyer".
 
A young engineering student rolls up to the dorm on a new bike. His buddy asked where he got it and he explained that a gorgeous coed hopped off her bike, stripped down and told him he could take whatever he wanted. His friend said, "good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
 
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