Good jokes and general fun.
- Thread starter FCSpringer
- Start date
beaglebob1
New member
Why does the Iran Navy have glass bottom boats???
So they can see there Air Force...
So they can see there Air Force...
beaglebob1
New member
How do you make a hormone???
Dont pay her..
Dont pay her..
Found this picture pretty much somes it up.
LOLM Yes I say wtf every time I fill up these days.
:cheers:
Labman
New member
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
birdman652001
New member
beaglebob1
New member
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
goldeneye
New member
Bob I like it:thumbsup:
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A priest rides his bike past the Joes bar everyday to church. One day Joe sees the priest walking and asks "where is your bike" to which the priest replies, "I have no idea, I think someone stole it!" Joe tells the priest to preach the 10 commandments and who ever stole his bike will give it back when they hear the 7th, thou shall not steal. On Monday Joe sees the priest on his bike again and says "I'm glad it worked" the priest replied "well not exactly, I got to the 6th commandment, thou shall not commit adultery and I remembered where I left my bike."
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A priest rides his bike past the Joes bar everyday to church. One day Joe sees the priest walking and asks "where is your bike" to which the priest replies, "I have no idea, I think someone stole it!" Joe tells the priest to preach the 10 commandments and who ever stole his bike will give it back when they hear the 7th, thou shall not steal. On Monday Joe sees the priest on his bike again and says "I'm glad it worked" the priest replied "well not exactly, I got to the 6th commandment, thou shall not commit adultery and I remembered where I left my bike."
FCSpringer
Moderator
Tough Economy
Times are tough as we all know. This guy and his wife go to town shopping right? He decides to stop at the liquor store and grabs a case of beer for 10 bucks, heck of a buy. His wife says "NO WAY", that is not a necessity and we can't afford it. So he puts the beer back.
At the grocery store she stops in an isle and picks up some face cream for 20 bucks. He says "NO WAY" thats not a necessity and we can't afford it.
She says, but it helps my skin look young and beautiful.
He replies, so would the case of beer and that was only 10 bucks. :laugh:
Times are tough as we all know. This guy and his wife go to town shopping right? He decides to stop at the liquor store and grabs a case of beer for 10 bucks, heck of a buy. His wife says "NO WAY", that is not a necessity and we can't afford it. So he puts the beer back.
At the grocery store she stops in an isle and picks up some face cream for 20 bucks. He says "NO WAY" thats not a necessity and we can't afford it.
She says, but it helps my skin look young and beautiful.
He replies, so would the case of beer and that was only 10 bucks.
:laugh:
Last edited:
quail hound
Moderator
A young bull and his father are standing on a grassy hill looking down on a meadow full of cows.
The young bull says "Dad let's run down there and hump one of those cows."
Daddy bull says "No son, let's walk down and hump them all."
Us young bulls could all learn good a thing or two from the old bulls.
The young bull says "Dad let's run down there and hump one of those cows."
Daddy bull says "No son, let's walk down and hump them all."
Us young bulls could all learn good a thing or two from the old bulls.
carptom1
Well-known member
That's awesome. I should have tried that with my first wife. On second thought maybe it should have been just her for a couple of weeks
pecans in the cemetry.
on the outskirts of a small town,there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boy's filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
" One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me" said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. as he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.."
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy,"you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
They old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the Truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.."
Shaking with fear, they peered thought the fence,yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard,"One for you, one for me.. That's all... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
on the outskirts of a small town,there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boy's filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
" One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me" said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. as he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.."
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy,"you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
They old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the Truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.."
Shaking with fear, they peered thought the fence,yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard,"One for you, one for me.. That's all... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Kismet
UPH Guru
Oldie but goodie...
THE FUNERAL PROCESSION
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this.
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
THE FUNERAL PROCESSION
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this.
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."