Good jokes and general fun.

An Engineer, Priest, and a Doctor are playing golf behind a bunch of knuckleheads that are slowing down play. They wave over the course marshall and tell him about the drunks driving around in circles with their carts, running into trees, and general poor manners. The marshall explains those guys are fireman that responded to a call and saved the clubhouse from a terrible fire. During the fire, the foyer collapsed and they were all blinded. The men are taken aback by the story and the Priest offers to say a prayer, the Doctor offers to call an opthamologist friend, and the Engineer bored with the whole story asks why these guys aren't playing at night.
 
A MAN AND HIS DOG

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far."

"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."
 
Minnesota Archaeologist

Copper Wire


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug
to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper
read: "California archaeologists' discover 200 year old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New
Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Minnesota reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Red
Wing, MN, Ole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Ole, has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Minnesota had already gone wireless."

Makes one proud to live in the great state of Minnesota.

Uff Dah! :cheers:
 
Therapy

Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

It might be easier to be Catholic than I thought!! :cheers:
 
As a catholic I find that joke to be really funny :thumbsup: I wish I would have thought of using holy water on grilling a steak..... good one Goldeneye
 
Driggs, no wonder I like you . . . you're as warped as the displaced Montanan. Reckon we need to meet-up someday before I'm planted.
 
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This thread make my day:thumbsup: Very good jokes guys:10sign:

Hey coot try this one on:

A Chiefs fan, a Vikings fan, and a Packers fan were all out pheasant hunting when they came upon a pig stuck in a barbwire fence with it's butt in the air.

Chiefs fan: Wow I wish that was Jennifer Aniston stuck in that fence like that. I would be all over her

Vikings fan: Not me, I like mine with a little more meat. Like Anna Nicole Smith, or Jennifer Lopez.

Chiefs Fan: How bout you Packers fan, what do you wish?

Packer fan ( dejectedly) I just wish it was dark.:D
 
Women claim that childbirth is more painful than a kick to the groin for a man. It is, however, an easy claim to refute. How often have women, perhaps your own wife, said "I would like to have another child." But you have never heard a man say, "I'd like another kick in the groin?"
 
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A marine in the Middle East got a Dear John letter from his girlfriend in which she said she had fooled around with some other guys and just didn't love him anymore. Also, she wanted her photos back that she had sent him. The marine went around to his buddies, told them the story, and gathered up several dozen photos of other women. He sent them to his girlfriend with the note to pick out the ones of her because he could not remember which one she was and send the rest back.
 
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Have you heard that Ruger has come out with a new gun? They call it the congressman.

It won't work and you can not fire it.
 
A woman reporter was set to do a story on the American Cowboy. She traveled to Wyoming to meet her subject for the story. As she arrived she noticed a lean weatherd Cowboy approach on his horse. The Cowboy slides off the horse, goes to the back of the horse and lifts up the tail. Giving the horse a big kiss right on the @ss. The reporter in awh asks what in the hell did you do that for??? The Cowboy says my damn lips are chapped!!!!! The reporter asks, does that work?????? The Cowboy replies: Hell yes, keeps me from licking my lips!!!!!!:cheers::cheers:
 
Copper Wire


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug
to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper
read: "California archaeologists' discover 200 year old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New
Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Minnesota reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Red
Wing, MN, Ole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Ole, has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Minnesota had already gone wireless."

Makes one proud to live in the great state of Minnesota.

Uff Dah! :cheers:

:thumbsup::thumbsup::laugh:
 
Oly and Lena were in the car on the way to town. Suddenly Lena belts Oly a good one. "What was that for?!" Oly bellowed. "For 25 years of lousy sex," Lena replied. Oly said nothing, just kept driving. Then Oly belted Lena a good one. "What was that for, damn you?!" Lena screamed. "For knowin' it was lousy!"
 
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pulled a good one on a co worker. he is very proud of his lincoln pickup. i crawled under it and put a large zip tie on the drive shaft next to muffler. he was out of the truck in less than 100 feet after he started to drive away. on hell of a noise under it as zip tie slapped against muffler:D:thumbsup:
 
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16
gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have
it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most
of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and
there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat
you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't piss in your eye."
 
Oly shows up in town, naked.

One day the town cop spotted Oly walking through town naked. The officer quickly got Oly into the squad car and asked him what in the heck he was up to. Oly said, "Vell, Lena and I was on a picnic and she took off her clothes and told me to take off mine. Then she said, 'Now you can go to town!', so here I am!
 
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!
 
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