fur all you rednecks

C

copheasanthunter

Member
three third graders, including a redneck kid are in the playground at recess. one of them suggests that they play a new game. "lets see who has the biggest weenie" he says. okay they all agree. the first kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
That's nothing says the second kid. he whips it out. his is a couple of inches longer.
not to be outdone, the Redneck whips his out. It is by far the biggest. that night, eating dinner at home, the redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. oh we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book....and during recess, my friends and I played,"lets see who has the largest weenie".
what kind of game is that, honey ask the mother.
"well, me, anthony, and patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! the other kids says it's because i'm a redneck . is that true, mom?
Mom relies, "no, honey. It's because you're twenty-three
 
walking into the bar, mike said to charles the bartender, pour me a stiff one- just had another fight with the little woman.
oh yeah said charles and how did this one end.
when it was over, mike replied, she came to me on her hands and knees.
really, said charles, now that's a switch! what did she say?
she said, come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit.

a asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the bank teller,
why it change? yestoday I get two-hunat doola fo yen--today i get hunat-eighty?
the banker teller says, Fluctuations.
The asian man says, fluc you white guys too!

a priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, this is a tree.
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, tree.
the priest pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, this is a rock.
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, rock.
the priest is getting enthusiatic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. as he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
the priest is really flustered and quickly responds. riding a bike.
the chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
the priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
the chief replied,



My bike :)
 
GCB,
I hurd tel, ya still playin that there game, was told ya played it with a couple girls and ya lost to em, again.
I also say a reply you made bout your daughters dog pissing on everething is it still alive
 
unfortunately yes he is still alive and ya never can tell about the girls these days alot of them arent satisfied with how they were born
 
I was setting in the bar awhile back, when a strapping young man rushed in and ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A li'l surprised, I asked him what the occasion was.
He replied he was celebrating his first BJ. I thought that was a pretty good reason to celebrate, so I offered to buy him a shot as well.
"Nope" he says, "if ten don't get the taste outta' my mouth, ta' hell with it." :eek:
 
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'it's called fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides :cheers::cheers::cheers:
 
What is the definition of mixed feelings?

Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff in your new car.
 
Old prospector

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
 
This is the story of Neb and Jeb

A beautiful young woman was driving thru Rural Kansas when her car broke down.

A farmer happend by and the young woman asked if there was a garage close by that could fix her car.

The farmer said yes, but it is closed until Monday.

The young woman asked if there was a place to stay in town until her car was fixed.

The farmer replied; no, but you can stay at my place if you don't mind stayin' with my boy's Neb and Jeb.

The young woman hesitated for a moment and figured she didn't have much of a choice so she accepted the offer from the farmer.

At bedtime she was in the middle of Neb and Jeb.

She was feeling a little horny, so she rolled over to Neb and asked; " do you wanna do it"

Neb replied ; " Do what???"

Here, put this on so I don't get pregnant.

After Neb, she was still not satisfied. So she rolled over to Jeb and asked " Jeb, do you wanna do it??"

Jeb replied, "Do what"

Here , put this on so I don't get pregnant.

The next day the farmer took the young woman to town and her car got fixed.

2 months later Neb and Jeb were out fixin' fence and Neb says " Jeb you really care if that girl gets pregnant???

Nope , let' take these things off!!!!!!!!!!
:cheers::cheers::cheers:
 
This is for copheasanthunter with your cur dogs

You might be a Redneck if you think old Yeller is a color:thumbsup:


A guy sticks his head in a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" Barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop, full of customers, and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber, who is intrigued at this point, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, with tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house."
 
ole yeller is a cular, that is the cular of the snow when you whiz in it. Ifin it were a new colar it would be lighter in cular. Ifin my barber had a pretty wife i might try sumpen like that but it taint so as my barber isin a female and I sleep with hur proud near every night if in I aint doing sumpen. My barber be my wife. :)
 
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